Twelve Legs of Indifference

Let’s be honest. This is the internet, and the internet was created as a means for us to worship our feline overlords.
To that end, I give you the clowder that resides in my house. Or more accurately, the clowder in whose residence I am allowed to reside.
Enjoy the freeloaders.

Meet Owen. He is also affectionately known as Jerkface, Shmoo, Buddy, Boo, or our personal favorite, simply “Asshole.” He is a 15-year-old Maine Coon mix who at this point in his life has fully embraced old age. The vast majority of time is spent screaming at his minions (my husband and me) for wet food and treats which he conveniently forgets he got mere moments after consuming them. He is immensely frustrated by the fact that he doesn’t possess opposable thumbs and doesn’t stop reminding us that we are to use ours solely for his pleasure. Barely tolerant of touch, he confusingly loves to be in the same room with his humans and often lies on top of us. His purr is so unbelievably quite that it took me nearly 10 years and a rare occasion where he allowed me to place my head on his chest to realize he was even capable of making that particular noise. We love him in all his demanding, assholey glory.

This glorious house panther is 13-year-old Mayzie. She doesn’t quite meow so much as make a sweet little “murph” sound - so her nickname is Murphy. She is also known as Doodlebug, Sweet Pea, or her full name Mayzie Mae and she will come running from across the house for a chance to watch a Cat TV video on YouTube. She is a bed whore and if either of her humans are upstairs sleeping, that is where you are most likely to find her. A street rescue at a fairly young age, she has never grown completely comfortable around strangers, but she is a sweet Mama’s girl who can’t get enough pets from her people. Despite being the tiniest and most skittish of the feline residents, she is the Alpha where food is concerned, so don’t get between her and the treats or so help you.

Winnefred is named after the main character in the musical Once Upon a Mattress, a role originated by the luminous Carol Burnett. She will also answer to Winnie, Freddy, FredWin, Winnie Poo, and FooFoo. A Velcro-cat at heart, she will often run across a room and dive onto my lap where she flops over, reaches up to put her paw on my face and purrs while slow-blinking and making air biscuits. In her mind, Owen is her husband, though he has not consented to this relationship. Winnie is an absolute love muffin who demands to be picked up on a regular basis and likes to be carried downstairs. She aspires to be a shoulder cat, but she’s a bit too chonky to pull it off. Not the brightest but certainly the most affectionate of the group and the baby at just about 4-years-old.